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끝도 없이 걸어왔어 
저 멀리 웃고 있는 빛을 따라서
캄캄한 어둠 속에서 
나와 나도 밝게 웃고 싶어서

항상 내 총구는 위를 향해
나보다 더 큰 놈을 쏘기 위해
이 무대 위를 활주로 삼아
도약하며 화려한 비행
타고 난 거 없이 꾸준함을 내 무기로
벼는 익을수록 고개를 더 숙이고
성장해 어릴 적 방문 앞에 
펜으로 그어놓은 검은 선 그 위로

넘어지고 부딪혀 상처가 나고 가슴이 구멍 나도
우리에게 눈물은 필요 없어 수백 번 쓰러져도 
일어나 we'll go up

걱정은 저 하늘 위로 던져 blow up 
네겐 우리가 있잖아 get up
서로 손을 잡고 위로 들어 hands up 우린
다 이겨낼거야 

꿈꾸지만 잠 자지 않아
성공을 담보로 청춘을 팔아
신발 안에 유리조각
걸음마다 붉은 도장 찍어 right
우정을 반으로 찢어도
정은 남아 기어코
밟고 오르면서도 밀어줘
110개의 손가락 끼고 위로 go up!

겁도 없이 올라왔어
저 위에 반짝이는 별을 쫓아서
어두운 밤하늘에 별처럼 나도 반짝이고 싶어서
난 좁은 계단 위에 올라

한 걸음 한걸음이 휘청거리고
무거워진다 해도 우리에게
다른 길 따윈 없어
수백 번 쓰러져도
일어나 we'll go up!

걱정은 저 하늘 위로 던져 blow up 네겐
우리가 있잖아 get up
서로 손을 잡고 위로 들어 hands up 우린
다 이겨낼거야 

Yeah we'll go up!
Yeah we'll go up!

우리 인생은 드라마 지금 순간이 high light
해피엔딩을 바라며 카메라 위로 올라
결국은 똑같아 중요한 건 너와 나
잃은 것도 이룬 것도 없어 다 함께 올라

걱정은 저 하늘 위로 던져 blow up 네겐 우리가 있잖아 get up
서로 손을 잡고 위로 들어 hands up 우린 다 이겨낼 거야 

함께 Yeah we'll go up! 

Procrastinating with MBTI's

My lsat's are next Monday but I take time to blog today to record one of the greatest things that has happened in a really long time-

I finally figured out my base MBTI personality. hahahaha.

In light of the couple things that has happened since the last time I wrote here, namely- dropping out of grad school, leaving Korea, deciding to take my lsats, not being sure if I wanted to take my lsats- this is quite the marked improvement in being honest to myself along the way of forming who I am in my head. 

My foundation is an ESFJ. The huge realizations I made while reading this (and several hours of related sites) helped me understand a couple things that had been difficult to accept about myself, some main points being:

-Why I dropped out of Korean history/grad school/academics/SNU and the first thing out of my mouth when I informed Professor M of my decision was that "I need to help people". How much more mindless of an answer could I give him. I could feel my cheeks flare and I'm pretty sure the Stanford/Harvard educated man who taught at Harvard/SNU and wrote in Korean better than me, was taken aback too. I had secretly wondered to myself if I just wasn't able to handle the heat and what I would ever amount to if I dropped out of something I loved so much. ESFJ/Eugenia explanations to this? I thrive as a provider and I have a pretty black and white picture of the world. Endless theoretical discussions with no apparent application annoys me. As a people hater as I am, I'm a people-centered person. I have a couple theories on how the hater part came about...

-Why I was more concerned with just "doing it right" rather than results in my past leadership positions.  Or why my brother is currently blocked on my phone for skipping our parents' anniversary slash dad's birthday weekend. I enjoy structure and value tradition. 

-Why I broke up with my boyfriend in high school. Talk about excess baggage...

-Why what people say effect me so much. Why I'm superficial. Why I'm so interested in other people. People, people, people....

I think this explains for about 70-80% of my personality. I'm pretty sure the rest will have introvert qualities~ something has to explain why I came up as INTJ in all my past tests. 

I'm glad that this supports everyone's full(er) confidence in my decision to go to law school. I've really only been maybe 60% committed to this decision and they're probably due to a mix of:
-I've rarely had to work for anything and/or everyting came easily to me. Law school is hard.
-I've never taken the time to cultivate a dream for my life. I just assumed somebody would come across my path and they would recognize how awesome I was and I would be whisked away to an awesome job. I suppose that sort of happened with me ending up at SNU... What.Is.My.Dream.
-My self-confidence is shot and I'm scared to invest my energies in another career. Law school is hard.
-Law school is a debt trap.
-I made this decision without the confidence of God's blessing. Though, I'm not sure if it's an excuse of wanting lightning from heaven so I can delay my decision of commitment.

How loving must God be to have not simply put up with me, but love me despite all of this. Love me despite how long it took me to accept my inherent strengths and weaknesses. 

A second-generation immigrant will never truly know the sacrifices their parent generations had made in moving to said country until they themselves attempt it themselves- namely their mother country. Then they will realize

a) The difficulties in adjusting to life in a different country, and
b) How comfortably the parent generations would have lived in the mother country, how normal they would have been treated, if they had stayed in their country. How all the eccentricities I had to juggle are ways of living in a particular society. How much further this mother country has progressed past the standards my parent generation still possess.

10 Months In

Looking through friends' 'being foreigner' adventures in other countries, and looking at myself as I write in English on facebook and write a text in Korean..

I really, really wanted to be a foreigner. To be somewhere where the flaws of a society are too detached to matter to you other than as a unique characteristic, to still find the beauty in every day things, to be able to wake up excited to another day of adventures, to feel thankful and blessed to have the opportunity of being in a foreign country...

all things I don't need to wait to possess until I go somewhere foreign, or in my case, feel foreign. Midst the confusion of living a life that I believe to be a record breaking achievement in having pushed the boundaries of what it means to be Korean-American, and having achieved a level of Koreanness where the 'life is beautiful and I am curious about everything as a foreigner' card no longer works, I will still regain the reins again and enjoy my life.

So says the grad student~

"But I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day"

Hello to Myself 2013.1.24

Hello 여긴 이천십이년 이월 아주 추운 겨울이야
Where are you 얼마나 가까이 와 있니
그토록 원하던 꿈에

여기 난 아직 넘어지고 또 울고
다치고 지쳐서 일어설 힘조차 없어
그치만 넌 날 보고 웃겠지

Hello to myself hello to myself 울지 말라고 날 위로해줄래
Hello to myself hello to myself 할 수 있다고 너 말해줄래
Hello hello 울지마 Hello hello 일어나

How are you 어떠니 꿈을 이룬다는 건 정말 꼬집어도 아프지 않이
어쩌면 이젠 네겐 평범한 일상이라 때론 지겹니
혹시 너도 외롭고 지치면 여기 꿈꾸던 날 기억해줄래

Hello to myself hello to myself 여기 날 생각하며 웃어 줄래
Hello to myself hello to myself 가슴 벅차게 행복해 줄래
Hello hello 웃어봐 Hello hello 그렇게

Stuff I Miss 5 Months In

[-] driving
[-] cheap hair ties
[-] cheap Crest tooth paste
[-] Express
[-] Chipotle
[-] Nordstrom Rack
[-] Whole Foods & cheap[er] fresh fruits & vegetables
[-] "bless you"
[-] humble pastors
[-] having a shower stall
[-] the ability to speak one language well

Considering the list doesn't contain too many critical life-sustaining things, I'd say I'm adjusting pretty well.